October 12, 2016
For the first time, people from different levels and authorities; from grade school to high school students, to guards, to a teacher, saw me vulnerable. I was surrounded by the people whom I called acquaintances. Josh passed by me and tapped my back telling me everything’s going to be all right. As much as I wanted him to stay, I knew he had other plans so I let him go.
And so I was left with people who I barely trust and they asked me only one question, “What happened?” Many different answers shot around my head; cuz I’m a birdbrain, cuz I messed up, I disappointed you; I’m useless; she doesnt understand… I didnt do that cuz I was lazy, rather I had a philosophy behind it… lego blocks meant building up, and so I showed it thru my examples that that’s how it builds up… no I’m a birdbrain— I had so much to say, although I said nothing…
I was desperate for a friend; all I needed was one. But none of you were to be found… then your sister came… I’ve never hugged her really, that must’ve been the first time we truly hugged, and goodness was it great to have a friend there… but like Josh, she left too soon… I was only able to explain myself to my cousin and I guess that was enough to lighten the load that was weighing me down…
Work: I looked horrible mind you. They asked me why I looked that way… couldn’t think of an answer till one of them asked, “colds?” Then I said, “yes.” Then they were like “get well soon,” with all smiles, and so I smiled back. It felt good that they didn’t know, for talking about it would cause me to break down like heck again. Work was probably the only right thing that happened yesterday…
Skipping everything that happened on the home, I was finally home, stressed out and tired, hoping everything would make sense… Feeling all so heavy still I decided to talk to you… it was one of the most painful conversations I had with you yet, it was as if there was a really tight knot in my chest from the time we started till the time I fell asleep… But that’s not the reason why I’m writing all these words down…
I am writing these down because, I am really grateful to have you… I really appreciate your concern, and your genuine love for me… even if I got so moody, you stuck up with me and led me out of this damned dark hole… we havent been talking much, we havent been together much, I was collapsing last night, and honestly my greatest breakdown was when you said, “it’s really alright Luna.”
That sense of assurance was enough to calm the unexplainable rage inside me; I hated myself… so much… but you didn’t, you believed in me nonetheless, and I guess that was what made me feel better.
As soon as I was able to forgive myself for yesterday, rest finally came.
Today though, I was on my way up with my cousin when I saw you. I couldn’t help but rush towards you. I don’t remember much of what happened, but I do remember falling into your warm embrace. For the first time, I did not care if we were in public, all I cared about was saving what I hold dear; you.
Thank you so much Altan, I wish you a good day ahead of you. I love you 🙂
Whom you make bright,